What I would want

I'd be lying
If I claimed to know
What you'd have wanted

Maybe you would have wanted me
To mourn your death till I die
Or maybe you would have wanted me
To sing your praises till the world ends
I don't know

But if I was dead...
Of course I'd want you to cry for me
Cry and cry and cry till their voices are hoarse and their eyes swollen
Because they miss me terribly
Because they know no one will ever be like me

But I would not want them to cry for forever
You see, soon son after... let's say my burial
I'd want people to laugh
To crack jokes in my honor

I'd want people
I'd want them to think
Think of how my brightness can shine within them
How I can live on in them
(Not as a ghost) More like a living memory

I'd want the lessons I learnt
To teach others as well
I'd like my words
To make you all laugh and nod as you finally 'get' what I meant

I'd want you to laugh in good faith
And soon afterwards vow solemnly never to let my good life go to waste
And to you my dear
I shall vow to smile

I don't know if
You'd have wanted me to smile through the tears
But I will
I lost you. Yes. But only physically
I will never be able to hear your voice
See your very very generous smile
Push you away from me when you say something annoying

Nevr again.
But I swear Emma I swear!
I can hear your voice
Your Rs which sound like Ls
Rlumbidzai. Not Rumbidzai.

I swear I swear Emma!
I can see you all suited up
Ready to knock our socks off with your speech
On Idea Fest... In assembly as you tell your story... A month before you die on Graduation day.

Make me laugh. Make me smile Emma
Just oncemore
I don't want to bash my head up against a wall
Asking, "Why? Why?"
demanding answers to questions no one can answer
Because that's not what I would have wanted you to do
Had I travelled some light years away from you

The tears are here.
The pain is making itself even more present
But this sense of loss... no Emma, I can't let it rob me Emma
Rob me of your goodness. Your pureness... Your whiteness... Your blackness

No duobt your death is a loss
A great friend, brother, son...
Never will I be able to see little Emmanuels running across the fields of your hometown
Never will I see your feet clad in those brown shoes you loved to wear
Those red shorts you wore for basketball?

But even though you leave a gaping hole in my heart
I won't try and fill it with anyone else
Or anything else.
I shall fill it with joy and laughter
And seal it with your name and smile
When I need inspiration or times are tough
My tough mind will know which door in my heart to open
The one labelled Emma. Mani. Emmanuel Manirakiza.

I swear in my head
You live on